Pity party

I am having a really hard time right now. I feel like everything is about to unravel. There is so much bad shit that has me depressed right now that it would take me hours to write it all out. I don't even know what keeps me going right now. I honestly don't know what hope I have. In fact I think its more honest to say that I don't have hope. I can't even see a way that I can succeed at anything right now. Its all a matter of how big my failures are going to be. How quickly I am going to lose my job? How much time and money will I waste before I realize I am not smart enough to do what I want to do? How long until I realize I am a fat unattractive loser that no one who is worth anything will ever be attracted to? I am the person who vanishes into death as if he never lived. I can't change, I can't improve, I can just wake up and delude myself into acting as if this life is actually worth living. I will never know what it is to be in a mutually loving relationship. I will never know how it feels to be respected. I will never be somebody worth knowing. I won't ever know what its like to have someone truly be part of my life. I have spent almost 26 years in this life and there are very few choices and actions I wouldn't take back, and even fewer I am proud of and value. No one will ever love me because frankly there isn't anything worth loving.